ON THE TRAINS
A case of goodies!
Unfortunately our excitement was to be cut short by her majesty's finest. To protect the honourable arms dealers, every DLR station had police stopping and questioning commuters, on the look out for anyone who may cause distress to the delicate souls of people who deal in wholesale violence.
We split up to avoid looking like a large group and our cunning disguises as reputable business men and women got us past the first few and onto the trains. However by the time we had reached Canning town Station, there were Police riding on the carriages to keep an eye out. We pulled into the station and two of our agents (Greenman and Cupcake) were rumbled! Using the anti-terror laws they were so criticised for using before the Police searched our agents and apparently banned them from the DLR for 3 months. Bear in mind that at this point they had done precisely nothing!
However this now meant that the remainder of us were now sitting on a train full of arms dealers without her Majesty's protection. A mixture of pure fear and excitement took control of us, but somehow we managed to stand up and begin our routine.
Agents on the DLR
"Ladies and Gentlemen, you may or may not know that we are currently sharing our carriage with several MEMBERS of the arms industry! We have come along today to offer them a little advice, on a way into a more productive lifestyle."
Before we had reached the next station, our group was half undressed and showing off a variety of toys and instructive leaflets to weapons manufacturers. Agent Vaccum Cleaner had started a pole dance with his strap-on swaying, whilst the rest of us generally humiliated, amused and got a little too personal with the arms dealers.
We reached Custom House (the stop for the arms fair) and the dealers disembarked onto a platform full of Police. One of the mean ones, tipped off the Police and several more of our group were pulled off the train for a stop and search. This proved to be very interesting to say the least.
Agent Vacuum Cleaner had not had time to put away his appendage so simply covered it with his coat. When the officer asked him why he was shaking he simply replied "I have a very large weapon under my jacket"!
Agent Bristly was informed that the Police would open his case as part of the search. This instantly pulled in a crowd of bemused officers and DLR workers as the Officer in question sorted through a case brimming with anal beads, vibrators, butt plugs and other items!
After being processed and escorted from the station, the agents all met up in a local cafe to swap stories. Apparently Agent Ladybird and Agent A had survived the police at Custom House, to then go on and chat up other officers whilst attempting to flyer the dealers at the next stop along.
Those of us who had not yet been banned from the DLR decided that we would carry on the mission, and once again took to the streets. Unfortunately this time we had picked up a tail of two policemen! A quick scurry through a local estate and we lost them, however unfortunately in the confusion we also lost Agent Invasion.
Boarding the trains again we picked up the arms dealers on their way home from custom house and treated them to another party. This time showing them how to test a vibrator against their noses and explaining how to ensure they found the right rocket for the job.
The second party was such a success that we then decided to give it one last go on our way back to HQ. This time boarding the Jubliee Line from Canning Town with the arms dealers. To general public humiliation, they were given another lesson in the error of their ways. "Don't use your rocket to kill, use it to thrill".
Meeting up back at HQ, we toasted our success, whilst comparing police notes on each other. Our two undercover arms dealers explained how they had slipped leaflets into DSEi goodie bags, into weapons manufacturers brochures and even under the seats and in the glove compartments of the various military vehicles on show!
Hopefully the dealers will give their partners a better time in the bedroom from now on, and perhaps see that there are more important things in life than death and destruction. Perhaps there is room for a little love, perhaps room for some other things too!
A long, hard job, well done!
