Hedonist/Hijacker Summit 2012


During a mid-2011 expedition to a disused border barrack in Saxony, an envoy from the Space Hijackers made contact with a cybernetic life-form that identified itself as the "Hedonist International" (HI). The envoy noted several characteristics of the HI that mark it as unique among known sentient organisms, notably its decentralized collective intelligence and its penchant for throwing excellent parties. Having maintained sporadic contact with the organism over the following months, the Hijackers eventually determined that the cause of xenobiological progress demanded a closer examination of the HI, and politely asked whether it might deliver a number of its humanoid subunits to Stansted Airport for further analysis. The HI obligingly consented, and dispatched a delegation of Hedonists to London for three days of mutual dissection.

27.09.12 THURSDAY


Agents Bristly Pioneer and Prazzo collected the Hedonists from Stansted airport and, instead of transporting them to comfortable sleeping arrangements as promised, drove them out to a remote forest complex, where they encountered an overzealously complicitous security guard who insisted they be blindfolded and assured them that it would be "horrible in there." The Hedonists appeared to be suitably surprised at their greeting on arrival at the Hijacker tent city: dueling swordsmen, fireballs, blasting hip hop, bare asses, etc. The remainder of the night proceeded in much the same manner.

28.09.12 FRIDAY

After clearing the rubble from the night before, the whole party returned to London to sleep for most of the day and reconvened that night at the Paternoster pub so that the Hijackers could demonstrate one of their longest-standing traditions: Anarchists-versus-Capitalists Cricket. The cricket kicked off at around midnight in the alley outside the pub, and continued there until the police kicked everyone out and the Capitalist team forfeited on account of needing to sleep before returning to their "jobs." Unflapped, the Anarchists resumed play around the corner in front of St. Paul's, until getting ejected again, this time by a fun-hating "Environmental Safety Liaison," if that even was her real name.

29.09.12 SATURDAY

Both groups arrived at Hijacker HQ in the afternoon for a couple of hours of presentations on past actions and lessons learned, followed by a huge and generally incredible potluck banquet, most of which the Germans seemed to conjure from thin air only moments before the meeting. Once everyone's stomachs were dangerously close to rupturing, the Hijackers and Hedonists prepared for the climax of the summit, a long-table discussion in which the fates of both groups would be decided once and for all.

After some amount of back-and-forth in which no very solid plans for collective action emerged, Hedonist Pardeltier suggested that the two groups go to war. All in attendance heartily agreed and quickly moved to draft the Treaty of Limehouse, which specified the exact terms on which the Hijackers and Hedonists would fight one another until the death of their mutual enemy.

The summit concluded with the typical ritual debauchery, and the Hedonists and Hijackers dispersed to gird themselves for war.



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