SOCPA - Tube Patrol


CSG (Citizens Supporting Government) are continually looking at new strategies to enforce the SOCPA zone, to make sure that London’s citizens understand the implications of the Serious Organised Crime Prevention Act, and don’t accidentally break these laws by expressing their political opinions without prior permission from the police. Hundreds of people everyday pack onto the underground, quite possibly oblivious to the realities of the law, quite possibly flagrantly contravening it, with what they are reading, wearing, listening to, or thinking. CSG were there to make sure the tube passengers don’t break any rules.

Embarking upon the carriage just before the border, we introduced ourselves and informed the passengers that our carriage was moving inexorably and inevitably into the SOCPA zone. Our agents handed out information about their rights and details of how citizens could be displaying political opinions about their person, with deliberately dangerous allegiences or through an accident of ‘fashion’.

Our Aural Division, as CSG is always aware of technological progress, checked those listening to MP3 players with a prepared visual messgae warning them to turn off any potentially political, rebellious, or insurrectionary music or recordings, for the duration of the trains journey through the zone.. Our mission was timely, as we discovered many people who had never even heard of this wonderful government directive. Oddly, some seemed to be shocked at this, and rather worryingly started to question whether what they are reading, listening to or thinking, should be any concern of the government. We were pleased, however, to see just how many people submitted to our checks with the utmost supportiveness. Truly, the majority of the sensible British people are now so scared of the threats all around us, they know to be obedient, and to abide the law, however intrusive and apparently over the top it might be.

CSG were emboldened to see many citizens riding off through the zone safely labelled as CSG CHECKED AND CLEARED, safe to carry on through the zone helpfully supporting our governments measures to protect us.

Potential contraventions we found included badges displaying political allegiance (the young lady with the Make Trade Fair saw the error of her ways and removed the badge as soon as we crossed the border,

We also identified some dangerously strident political identification going on, all across the political spectrum; yellow socks (Liberal democrat) red tie (Labour, blue eye shadow (Conservative).

Worryingly, there were a few stubborn subversives who questioned this very sensible law, and refused to relinquish their flagrant sloganeering or turn off their Rage Against the Machine. These we (very cautiously, with the utmost care and self-protection) labelled as Illegal in the area and with a sticker proclaiming “Please Arrest me for my own good and the continued security of the nation).

Luckily, the Metropolitan police force are alive to the realities of our lives in the city, and have recently set up a Paranoia Hotline where anything “odd” we see on the streets can be reported directly to the authorities. We advertised this very sensible and wonderful new service by labelling those beyond our help with the number; alerting other law abiding citizens of their suspiciousness and imploring them to report them once they got above ground.

The CSG expansion underground was a great success, and from now on, we will be protecting the borders of freedom on public transport as well as in the streets. Remember, wherever you are, we are always watching. Be safe out there.


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