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The Essential Blaggers Guide to:
Becoming a Gentleman
Never ones to let a cash flow difficulty stop our fun, here is the essential guide to becoming a dapper chap on minimal cash.
So your clothes look like hand me downs from a colourblind tramp,
your bank has a picture of you on the wall with "DO NOT SERVE" underneath it,
and you have been black balled from every members club in town.
Do not fear, help is at hand.
1. Getting Dressed.
Bespoke on a budget, the benefit of gentlemanly dress is that you can get away with one main outfit, your suit, then mix up your shirts in order to create the illusion of a wide and varied wardrobe, Ha ha. All very well I hear you cry, but where do I get that suit?
Well first off you travel to the poshest part of town and check out the charity shops, I have seen YSL, Jasper Conrad and Donna Karen suits all for under £20. Failing this try jumble sales in posh churches or car boot sales. If none of the above works take a deap breath and try the following:
Borrow a bra from a helpful young lady, (Hint. Its best to ask one you know rather than approaching people on the street as you will probably end up in one of her majesties secure houses). Find a city type who is about your size, and slip the bra into his pocket on his way home. Stand under a window outside his house and wait. Within an hour or two his good lady wife should open a window and throw out a good few suits, hopefully including the one with your friends bra. Gather them up and head home, your work is done. (This may have to be attempted a few times as often the suits come out of the window cut apart, obviously you do not want to spend your time sewing them back together, so simply walk away and try again).
2. Having a Tipple, and meeting the opposite sex (or same sex, if you are that way inclined).
All dressed up with nowhere to go, eh? Half of the point of all of that dapper dress and etiquette is that it makes you a very eligable chap, but how do you meet that future love that can afford you a proper tailor from their family fortune? The answer my good friend is to aim high and have confidance. The one good thing about ponces and snobs is that they are scared to their wits end, of making a social feaux pas. Keep your wits about you, keep you lies utterly ridiculous, and keep your face straight.
A good first port of call are art gallery private views, (generally held on Tues, Wed & Thurs 6-9pm). Although these look like swanky invite only affairs, and sometimes are, nobody is going to stop a tailored young chap from entering. Once inside the free beer and wine should be readily available and the ladies open to advances. However be sure to arrive early, not too early so as to look like a billy no mates, but early enough to ensure a good belly full of free booze before their stocks are run dry. (Hint there is usually some kind of after opening bash, be sure to get the address and scam a cab with some minions claiming that you are a friend of the artists).
So you've got bored of speaking to vacous art bafoons, and who can blame you? we need some new territory. The next port of call requires a little more subtlty and planning. First invest in a good sized hip flask and fill it with your favourite tipple. Next head along to the swankiest hotel in town, stroll up to the bar and order your favourite drink (this will cost an absoulte fortune, however with the supply in your pocket will last for ages). The emphasis is now on you to befriend and cadge drinks from well to do members of society for the rest of the evening. If you are at any time approached by staff simply explain that you are here to meet your good friend the sultan. If this goes horribly wrong and they actually call up a sultan who happens to be staying their DO NOT CRUMBLE. Many good nights can be had on the tiles with random gentry who havent the develist idea who you are.
Any more suggestions for our blaggers guide should be emailed to [email protected]